Red Lace Trousers
by Gmariam
Summary: Owen, Ianto, and the undergarment of the title. And Jack, of course.
1. Chapter 1

I.

Owen had been expecting some files from Martha Jones, so when he found the large official-looking envelope on his desk, he grabbed it and headed down to the medical bay. He thought he saw a UNIT logo somewhere, but didn't stop to wonder why it was a rather squishy, odd-shaped package. He wanted to know more about the alien corpse they'd found three days ago, so he tore it open and stuck his hand inside.

And pulled out a pair of trousers.

Red trousers.

Red, _lace_ trousers.

"Bloody hell," he muttered, dropping the offensive item as if it might burn his fingers. He poked it with his foot. Yes, definitely red lace trousers. Flowers and vines and very, very sheer. For the love of god…

"Harkness!" he shouted. "Get your arse over here!"

He grabbed a pair of forceps and picked up the undergarment. When Jack leaned over the railing, grinned, and opened his mouth to speak, Owen held up his other hand to stop the man.

"Shut up. Down here. Now."

Jack's eyes widened at Owen's tone, but he hurried down the stairs and stopped in front of the doctor with his hands tucked into his pockets, the grin less blinding but threatening to burst at any moment.

"What's the problem, Owen? Can't decide what to wear tomorrow? Or doesn't it fit?"

"Sod off," Owen snapped. He shook the red lace trousers at Jack. "What the hell is this?"

Jack bit his lip and shrugged. "Looks like a rather breezy pair of trousers."

"Breezy?" Owen repeated. "Jack, this is ridiculous. These are red lace lounge pants. And they were on my desk, in my mail!"

Jack raised an eyebrow, and his chin quivered. "Secret admirer?" he asked.

"Yeah, apparently Martha Jones," Owen snapped. "I was expecting files. Why the hell is Martha sending us red underwear?"

Jack frowned. "I don't know. I asked for a red hat last time she was here." At Owen's look of confusion, he continued. "You know, those sexy UNIT caps? The red berets? I wanted one for—"

"Stop," Owen cut him off. "I really don't want to know. So you're saying this should be a hat? The problem is that it was addressed to me, not you."

"Maybe she thought you'd like it?" Jack suggested. He took a step back when Owen glared at him. "Honestly, I have no idea. They are kind of sexy, though. You know who'd look good in them?"

"I don't care," Owen replied. "I'm burning them."

"What?" Jack exclaimed. He reached for the trousers, but Owen dangled them out of his reach. "No, don't do that! I'll take them if you don't want them."

"I'm sure you would," Owen said. "And then parade around the Hub in them, which is why I'm burning them. Save us all the trauma."

"What trauma?" asked Ianto, appearing over the railing. "Oh. I see." He cleared his throat. "Nice choice of undergarments, Owen."

Owen and Jack turned toward him. "Martha sent them," Owen said. "I was expecting files and instead I got filth."

"They're not that bad," Jack protested.

"Jack, it's like something from a seventies porn flick. Can't you at least ask her for something normal, like a UNIT keychain or something?"

"Not as much fun," said Jack. "Those look much more entertaining. Hand them over."

"No way," said Owen. "Jones, I'm doing this for you."

"I appreciate your concern, Doctor," Ianto replied dryly. Jack started reaching for them again.

"Come on, Owen. Just give 'em up. You don't want them, so why can't I have them? Martha sent them all this way, someone should enjoy them."

"Yeah, you or the teaboy?"

Ianto cleared his throat. "Not interested."

Jack whirled on him. "What? But they're hot! Look at them! They're the perfect size for—"

"For what, Jack?" asked Ianto, leaning on the railing. "For you? Did you plan to wear them for us tomorrow?"

"Well, no," said Jack. "I was sort of thinking…er, hoping…well…"

Ianto stood straight. "Not a chance." He pulled a red UNIT cap from inside his jacket pocket. "Uniforms only. Burn it, Owen." With that he turned and left, leaving both men speechless.

"I really didn't need to see that," Owen muttered. Jack, however, was wide-eyed, his mouth half open.

"I did," he said. He darted up the stairs. "Go ahead and get rid of it. I don't need it after all."

"Too much information!" Owen called after him. He sighed and dropped the lacy trousers into the rubbish bin. He couldn't be arsed going downstairs to the incinerator. Glancing back at the envelope that had started the whole nightmarish exchange, Owen looked inside, but it was empty. He frowned, wondering where the files were. Heading upstairs to look for them, he almost ran into Ianto, thankfully sans UNIT beret, holding out a large sheaf of papers.

"Looking for this?" he asked. His face was straight, but Owen could hear the smirk in the Welshman's voice.

"You planted that envelope, didn't you?"

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "If you say so."

"I do. That was low," Owen said. "I might have to bleach my brain."

"Just taking advantage when opportunity presents itself," Ianto replied. He was still smirking behind the dry demeanor.

"Of course," Owen muttered. "So did you buy it for him, or did he get it for you? You're both so depraved now I have no idea."

Ianto smiled at him, a snarky grin that made Owen want to rip the man's lips off sometimes. "Gwen ordered it for Rhys," he said. "I merely borrowed it." He tipped his head. "Enjoy the files Martha sent."

He left Owen groaning behind him. Glancing down at the rubbish bin in the medical bay, he decided he'd burn them after he finished going through the new files. And if burning the red lace trousers meant he could forget everything that had happened in the last ten minutes, he'd stand in front of the fire all day.

* * *

Author's Notes  
Some lighthearted fun in honor of Valentine's Day. Two more parts - enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

II.

"I thought you liked them."

Jack stared at the red lace currently draped across Ianto's forearm. He'd taken off his suit coat and rolled up his sleeves, even loosened his tie, and the burst of color against pale skin was exquisite. Oh yes, Jack liked them. He couldn't wait to glimpse Ianto's firm arse through the tantalizing pattern of flowers and vines, not to mention his amazing—

"Put them on."

He glanced up in surprise. "What?"

"Put them on," Ianto repeated, his accent hitting Jack in all the right places. "You wanted them. Wear them."

Jack sat back in his desk chair and grinned, appreciating the more assertive side of the Welshman. "Bit chilly in here for something like that, don't you think?"

Ianto stepped closer, leaning over Jack with one hand on the chair and one hand on the desk and his face right next to Jack's, close enough to smell the faint scent of the other man's aftershave. "You said they were hot."

"Oh, they are," said Jack. "Or they would be, on you."

"I happen to think they'd look brilliant on you," Ianto countered.

"Red is _your_ color," Jack parried back.

"And the trousers are yours," Ianto said, standing up straight. "Therefore you should wear them."

"I thought they were Owen's," said Jack, also standing. He was enjoying this exchange immensely; it made for much better foreplay than Weevil hunting. "Not that I want to see him anywhere near them."

"God no," Ianto murmured, shaking his head. "But they're yours, not his."

"Because I claimed them?" asked Jack. He moved closer, determined to win back the advantage. "I wanted them for _you."_

"And did you order some for me as well?" Ianto replied. He held them up between them, letting his long fingers caress the bold lace. "Because they look a bit large, to be honest, and these sorts of things are much better off … snug." He said the last word in such a way that Jack's own trousers started to feel tight.

"How about I get you a matching one, then?" Jack asked.

"How about you put on what you ordered, Jack?" Ianto practically crooned. "You may not have bought them for me to wear, but I can certainly admire them on you, and we both know you enjoy that almost as much."

"But I didn't buy them," Jack protested weakly as his stomach tightened with desire. Ianto raised an eyebrow. Jack knew perfectly well he'd end up putting them on, that he was being seduced almost perfectly right there in the middle of the Hub, but he was completely under the Welshman's spell and unable to resist.

"They were delivered to the Tourist Office in a package addressed to you, sir," Ianto said, his voice low as he enunciated the last word. Jack leaned forward to ravage those accented lips, but then something occurred to him.

"I thought Owen found them in a package from Martha?" he asked. He was being played, he knew it, but for once Jack wasn't quite sure by whom—Ianto, Owen, Martha? It probably didn't matter, since regardless of what was really going on and who wore the red lace, there was an almost guaranteed good time at the end of it.

"He did," Ianto replied. He moved closer, his hands resting first on Jack's hips, then beginning to work on the braces and belt of his trousers. Jack jumped and stopped his hand, glancing over Ianto's shoulder into the Hub.

"Ianto," he said, lowering his voice since Ianto hadn't even bothered shutting the door. "The others are still out there, and while I may be persuaded to wear them for you, I'm not sure the whole team wants to see."

Ianto leaned in, breathing softly against Jack's jaw and into his ear. "They've gone home for the night," he whispered, then began his slow and methodical work on Jack's trousers once more. He pushed them down to the floor and palmed Jack's growing erection as he nipped at Jack's lower lip.

"We've got the place to ourselves," he said, grabbing Jack's arse and pulling them flush against one another. "Though I'd prefer the comfort of your room to the desk." He paused. "This time, of course."

"Of course," Jack practically panted. He leaned forward for a kiss but was denied when Ianto stepped away.

"Put them on." Which was how this had all started. Jack scrambled to kick off his boots so he could get the rest of his clothing off. Ianto turned and moved toward the bunk below the office. "I'll be waiting." And he pulled out the UNIT cap again, placing it on his head with a positively saucy wink. Jack almost came right then and there.

The red lace was soft against his skin. He'd expected it to pull, to itch; he thought he'd feel slightly ridiculous. But glancing down at himself, he couldn't help but admire the sight. Ianto wouldn't know what hit him when Jack went down that ladder.

Shutting his office door, he hurried down to his bunk, thanking whatever god had mixed up and sent them the red lace trousers.

* * *

Author's Note:  
Final part tomorrow!


	3. Chapter 3

III. 

The sound of grumbling brought Ianto out into the Hub the next morning, cup of coffee in hand as he waited for Jack's to brew behind him. Following the inarticulate muttering interspersed with an occasional curse, Ianto made his way toward the medical bay, where Owen was stomping around, obviously in some sort of mood.

"Good morning," Ianto said, leaning on the railing. "Get up on the wrong side of the bed today?" He sipped placidly from his mug, curious to know what had got Owen's knickers in such a twist so early in the day.

Owen stopped, then glared up at him. "What did you do with them?" he demanded.

"With what?" asked Ianto. He was right, then. Perfect.

"The trousers."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Which trousers exactly? The ones I ruined last week taking down a Weevil in the mud? The ones you ruined when that corpse exploded all over you? Or the ones Tosh ruined when she fell in the pond retrieving a pair of sonic sunglasses?" Ianto shook his head. "Really, who makes sunglasses sonic?"

Owen stared at him. "I don't even know what that means," he said. "I'm talking about the ones from yesterday. The red ones. The ones I threw in the trash and intended to burn."

"Ah, those," Ianto nodded. He took another sip of coffee. "I emptied the rubbish bins last night before I left. Probably got tossed."

Owen narrowed his eyes. "But you said Gwen ordered them for Rhys."

"I did say that." Ianto nodded. "At least, I assume she did. They were addressed to her, after all."

Owen crossed his arms over his chest. "And yet they ended up in my envelope."

"Like I said yesterday," Ianto replied, standing up straight. "Just having some fun."

"So they got thrown away? Shouldn't you have given them back?"

"I didn't notice them in the bin," Ianto replied.

"You didn't nick them from the rubbish?"

Ianto pulled a face. "Why would I do that?"

"Jack seemed awfully interested in them," Owen pointed out.

"Did you want to put them on for him, then?" Ianto asked, parrying easily. "Prance around the Hub some? I'm sure the girls would appreciate it, although I'm not sure I particularly want to see your—"

"Sod off," Owen groused. "I want to make sure they don't come back to haunt me. I had every intention of burning them, only I forgot before I left."

"But like you just pointed out, Gwen ordered them. They should go back to her." He was probably enjoying this far too much.

Owen rolled his eyes. "I doubt it. You really think her and Rhys get up to that kind of kinky stuff?"

Ianto pretended to shudder, though honestly, it wasn't hard. "I try not to think about it," he said. "And besides, what's so kinky about red lace trousers?"

"Seriously?" asked Owen. "You really have been hanging around Jack too long."

Ianto nodded, a smile on his face as he thought about the previous night. "Probably."

Tosh and Gwen chose that moment to arrive, and Ianto watched as a thoughtful look crossed the doctor's face. He smirked at Ianto before hurrying up the stairs. Ianto casually walked in the same direction, curious as to what the doctor's next move might be.

"Hey Gwen," Owen called cheerfully. "How're you?"

Both women looked at him curiously, exchanging a look between them. "I'm fine, Owen," she said. "How're you?"

"Oh, curious about something, to be honest," Owen answered, and Ianto knew what was coming. He could handle it, so he listened calmly. Jack's coffee was probably ready, but he needed to see this through first; he had started it, after all.

"About what?" asked Gwen. She threw her jacket on a nearby hook, dropped her purse near her desk, saw Ianto hovering nearby. "Good morning, Ianto."

"Morning, Gwen," he replied, raising his glass with a small smile. "Coffee will be up soon."

"Well, Ianto said you had a package delivered to the Tourist Office, and I'm wondering why you'd have it sent here and not to your own place?" asked Owen. He turned and smirked at Ianto, who simply raised an eyebrow.

"I didn't order anything," Gwen replied. "And if I did, I'd probably have it sent to the flat. What was it?"

Owen's grin grew wider. "Red lace trousers," he said. "And now they've disappeared."

Tosh and Gwen stared at him like he was mad. Ianto tried not to smile, sipping from his mug to hide his expression. Behind him, he heard Jack come out from his office and stand beside him.

"What's going on?" Jack murmured.

"I told Owen the trousers came for Gwen," Ianto murmured back. "Now he's asking her about them. Coffee's ready if you can't wait, but I want to watch."

Jack smirked and cross his arms over his chest. "Oh, me too."

"Red lace trousers?" Gwen repeated. She laughed out loud. "Why in the world would I order red lace trousers? I chase aliens, Owen. Something like that would be ruined in a day."

Owen rolled his eyes. "They were for a bloke …you know, see through undergarments. Jack thought they were hot."

Four sets of eyes turned toward Jack, who shrugged and went with it. "They were extremely hot. Nice taste, Gwen."

"But I didn't order anything like that!" Gwen protested. "Why would you think I did?"

"Package was addressed to Gwen, right, Jones?" Ianto stopped laughing in his head and nodded very seriously.

"Delivered to the Tourist Office yesterday," he dutifully replied. Right after the UNIT courier had delivered Owen's package, which had been too good an opportunity to pass up.

"Wait," said Tosh, figuring it out quickly. "If the package was for Gwen, how do you know what was in it?"

"Because teaboy here thought it would be funny to slip them into my mail. I thought I was opening those files I was expecting from Martha, but instead I pulled out kinky pants."

Tosh's lips turned up in a smile. She glanced at Ianto, who shrugged, and both her and Gwen burst out laughing.

"I wish I could have seen the look on your face!" Tosh giggled. "That's brilliant."

"I want to see these trousers," Gwen said. "Even if I didn't order them."

"Oh, come off it, Cooper," said Owen. "You're getting married in two weeks. What was it, some sort of tawdry honeymoon present?"

"I don't do tawdry," Gwen replied. "I don't know where they came from."

Owen turned toward Ianto. "So maybe someone else ordered them." His eyes flickered from Jack to Ianto and back. "Only I can't figure out which one of you."

"I thought they were yours!" Jack protested, still playing along. Ianto would have to thank him later.

"And I found them in the Tourist Office addressed to Gwen," Ianto replied.

"Why'd you open them?" Owen asked. "You always go through our mail?"

"I scan it, yes," said Ianto. "You know, with the scanner."

"And did the scanner tell you it was alien or something?" Owen pressed. Next to Ianto, Jack's shoulders began to shake silently.

"No, Owen, they did not tell me there was alien underwear in the envelope. The envelope was actually damaged, and when I saw the return address and red lace peeking out, I admit I was curious." He turned toward Gwen and smiled sheepishly. "I apologize. I'm not usually so nosy, but the last time anyone I knew got married, it was my sister was giggling over black satin."

Gwen laughed. "It's fine, Ianto, because it wasn't mine. Maybe there was a mix-up?"

"Maybe Rhys ordered them?" suggested Tosh. "As a surprise?"

Owen pretended to gag. "I am so done with this conversation. I don't care who ordered them. I don't care where they are. I just want to forget I ever saw them."

"And I want to see what's got him so worked up about this," Gwen murmured as Owen walked away.

"He was definitely a bit hot and bothered yesterday," Ianto said.

"I heard that!" shouted Owen.

"You should have kept them!" Jack shouted back. "They looked great on—" He stopped, his mouth half open, eyes wide as he realized his slip. The girls stared at him, and Owen appeared at the stairs, gaping like a sick fish.

"You took them!" Owen exclaimed. "God, my mental health issues are now complete. You probably ordered them too."

"Nope, I didn't," said Jack cheerfully. "But you threw them away, so fair game!"

"If you knew they were mine, why didn't you return them?" asked Gwen. She was trying to be serious, but her eyes were laughing, her mouth turned up at the corners.

"I didn't know they were yours at the time. Besides, I'm sure I looked much better in them than Rhys would," Jack winked. "And I know someone who can attest to that fact."

Ianto pretended to sputter. "Don't look at me. I've never seen Rhys naked."

"Thank god," murmured Jack and Owen at the same time. Gwen harrumphed at them. Tosh of all people spoke up next.

"But you have seen Jack naked," she pointed out. Ianto pretended to think about it.

"I believe we all have, at some point or another." They all nodded in agreement as Jack grinned.

"If you've got it, flaunt it."

"And did you flaunt it in red lace trousers last night, Jack?" asked Tosh, sounding positively coy. "Because I can always check the Hub security cameras."

"Don't bother," Ianto said with a long suffering sigh. "He romped around in them."

Jack looked at him in surprise, then grinned. "I don't romp. But yes, I flaunted it. They fit perfectly, looked great. You should have kept them, Owen. And Gwen, you should get a pair for Rhys. Very comfortable, and very effective."

"Effective?" she squeaked. She covered her mouth and cleared her throat. "Is that true, Ianto? Were they effective?"

Ianto frowned. "Are we still talking about the red lace trousers?" he asked. Tosh was grinning at him.

"Yes, the ones you found in a package for Gwen and which very conveniently ended up on Jack."

Ianto nodded, letting a small smile slip out but holding back a wink. "Then yes, they were quite effective. Exceptional, even."

"Would you stop with the sleazy mental images?" Owen moaned. "Okay, I think I can guess where they are now, so case closed. I'm going to try and forget this conversation ever happened and go stick my hands in alien guts for several hours." He turned and left without another word.

Ianto sipped calmly at his coffee before glancing up at the others still watching him. "Sorry, coffee?" he asked, then moved toward the kitchen area, the girls giggling behind him. He sensed Jack following him and prepared Jack's cup first.

Jack leaned back against the counter, facing him with an affectionate grin. "That was well-played."

"Thank you, sir," Ianto replied. He added a touch of sugar and handed the mug to Jack. "It was rather enjoyable."

"So you planned this whole thing? From ordering the trousers, to Owen opening them, to bullying me into wearing them—"

Ianto huffed. "I hardly think I bullied you into wearing them. You were practically foaming at the mouth from the moment you laid eyes on them."

"Because I wanted to see _you_ in them," Jack countered. "But that was your plan all along, wasn't it? For me to wear them?" He paused. "Why the subterfuge? You must know I would have gone along with it from the start. I've seen, done, and worn far stranger things."

"I know," Ianto murmured, preparing another cup. "I've heard the stories." He set it aside for Gwen and started on a mug for Tosh. "But it was more fun this way, wasn't it?"

Jack nodded slowly. "I assume getting Owen was a bonus?"

"You assume correctly," Ianto said. "The timing was too perfect to pass up—and the look on Gwen's face when Owen asked her about it was rather amusing as well."

"You are a devious little bastard sometimes," Jack laughed. He glanced into the Hub, didn't see anyone watching, and leaned over to kiss Ianto, quick but hot. "I love it when you play dirty."

For the first time, Ianto was flustered, and stuttered somewhat before finding his footing. "Yes, well, speaking of which, you did mention something about a matching pair…" He trailed off, raised an eyebrow. Jack stood up straighter and grinned.

"Do tell."

"There were several other…garments I thought you might enjoy on the website." He paused. "Particularly if you'd like to choose one yourself."

Jack's grin couldn't have got any bigger. "You bought those trousers for me, so I can pick something for you?"

Ianto laughed to himself, feeling utterly ridiculous but enjoying it as he placed the two mugs on a tray with some biscuits for the girls. "The UNIT cap is nice, but I'm sure you could find something to go with it."

Jack looked both surprised and elated. "Want to take a look later?" he asked.

"I'd be delighted," Ianto replied. "I'll come by once the furor dies down." He picked up the tray to deliver the coffee, but turned back and set it down. "Oh, and Jack?"

"Yep?"

Glancing over his shoulder, Ianto caught Jack's eyes, moved a little closer, then very carefully unzipped his own trousers with one hand, exposing a fraction of what was underneath so that Jack could be sure to see it.

"You were right," he murmured. "They are _very_ comfortable." He straightened himself up, grabbed the tray, and hurried off, trying not to laugh at the expression on Jack's face. He'd let Jack feast on the rest later, while they picked out something else to enjoy with the red lace trousers.

* * *

Author's Note:

And there was much smut as they shopped for more. The end. Hope you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading!


End file.
